I’m glad you wrote about this and I can see that it’s resonating with other parents too. I think there is physical burnout (when our sleep is disturbed or we are physically struggling to carry or care for our kids). But there is also the emotional burnout; that’s where you’ll find me 🙋♀️
“Developing a sort of split personality in which on the one hand, you’re you of yore - rough around the edges, strong, independent, perhaps a little angry - and on the other, you’re mom you - soft, supple, warm, caring” ❤️❤️
Thanks for sharing my work Jennifer! Sleep regressions would bring me to tears. And the part about having to couch any complaints with “I love my kids” first hits home!
Oh Jen- everything you touch on is so so spot on. Motherhood is such a complex dichotomy of emotions and ideas - it is so hard to wrap our arms around it all at any one given moment. I always remind myself that it’s stages and phases and as painful as one can be, there’s always an end in sight (and then a new challenge but alas!). The very fact that you wrote all of this means you’re an EXCELLENT parent. 🤍
I don’t think there’s anything harder than when your sleep gets fucked with unexpectedly, i.e when your toddler suddenly decides they don’t want to do it anymore. And this is coming from someone who hasn’t slept through the night in two months. THAT, I’ve expected. But the burnout you’re describing is something I’ve especially felt when my two year old suddenly doesn’t nap for a straight week (a recent nightmare) or has a nighttime regression after we had just gotten comfortable again. SHIT’S HARD. And while these hard times do pass, it doesn’t always help to know it’s temporary because it certainly doesn’t feel that way in the moment. I’m so sorry you’re going through it right now. Three weeks is especially tough, like — next level tough. You certainly deserved that cinnamon roll!!! Anyways, I hope you’re at the tail-end of the suck. If you ever want to commiserate about it with a friend on the internet, I’m here for you (and also likely awake at 3am.)
Oh, and I love that Apiece Apart shirt. Gooooood find.
I'm so sorry you're going through this AND thank you for being so real. I think more moms need to do this so we never feel like we're the only ones struggling!
Honestly, my daughter didnt sleep through the night until she turned 4 (!!!) and then she came back to my bed in COVID and I haven't been able to kick her out since. She's 9!!! So I've known burnout.
Man, do moms do it all or what. Just wanted to say I’m sorry it’s been so hard lately, and I hope there is relief soon. Lack of alone time + lack of sleep is a very very very tricky combo to try to overcome. Thanks for writing this and shedding light on an aspect of motherhood that’s often hidden!
Ohhh man I relate to this so much! Nothing has brought on my rage more than unexpected disrupted sleep. And feeling behind on the house tidying also makes me bonkers.
About the household equity, it might be worth looking into Fair Play. I read it recently (it’s a quick read) and while I didn’t love whole men-are-so-clueless-and-we-are-such-martyrs aspect of a lot of the stories, there were some interesting stats and good ideas.
Solidarity on the parental burnout – I'm right there with you in sleep regression land! It feels refreshing to actually see these shared struggles articulated so honestly; I, too, carry a lot of shame around the frustration that I feel with my daughter's sleep at times. But at the same time...we're human! We deserve a little breathing room here and there, whenever we're able to find it. Right? Right 🤍
Oof, your writing on burnout hit hard. My daughter is 4.5 (almost 5, actually!) and didn't sleep through the night until she was 14 months old. She still comes into our bed, but at least we all sleep that way.
In my experience, what has helped me with the emotional side of burnout are activities that really allow me to *connect* with myself or others in a spiritual way and get me off my phone.
For me, that means writing in my journal, getting lost in a great novel, painting, biking around Prospect Park, seeing a live show, taking a solo beach trip (soon!), and going out dancing. I actually just started going out dancing again this year - the late nights can be physically tiring (I try to do 1x / month, and my husband knows it's important to me, and I'll usually nap the next day), but I always feel so mentally renewed afterward. Maybe not for everyone, but it really makes me remember that "I'm a person, in a body, feeling joy."
I love this! Personally I’m deep into my “burnout era,” as I call it, and I’ve been reading and exploring resources for coping with it. One thing the books and articles don’t often have is an actual solution, or path forward, that is doable on an individual level. I think this is because our burnout is caused by systems, policies, and social structures, and individual solutions can’t fix that. I think what you did was exactly right - find some time to yourself, lose the structure, take a breather and go wherever your whims take you.
I’ve recently started my own Substack and will definitely be writing about burnout in all its forms! This gives me some food for thought. Love following you, thanks!
This hit home. Parental burnout is no joke and not discussed enough. We are allowed to be tired, we are allowed to to need a break, and we are allowed to to feel so so so overstimulated from the “split personality.”
I am a tough cookie. Always have been. But I’m raising deeply sensitive kiddos — having to shape shift in my dealings with them is TOUGH and can be exhausting. I know it’s what they need and I’m 100% all in— but dang, I’m tired.
Loved this quote: “Developing a sort of split personality in which on the one hand, you’re you of yore - rough around the edges, strong, independent, perhaps a little angry - and on the other, you’re mom you - soft, supple, warm, caring”
I’m glad you wrote about this and I can see that it’s resonating with other parents too. I think there is physical burnout (when our sleep is disturbed or we are physically struggling to carry or care for our kids). But there is also the emotional burnout; that’s where you’ll find me 🙋♀️
Same same so much same
“Developing a sort of split personality in which on the one hand, you’re you of yore - rough around the edges, strong, independent, perhaps a little angry - and on the other, you’re mom you - soft, supple, warm, caring” ❤️❤️
Hang in there! This phase will pass! It’s UPENDING to lose your nights!!!!
Woven flats look sooo good on you.
Did that shacket you tried on have pockets?
Thank you!! Sadly no side pockets on the shacket...
Thanks for sharing my work Jennifer! Sleep regressions would bring me to tears. And the part about having to couch any complaints with “I love my kids” first hits home!
this hits on all the levels ♥️
walk + bakery crawl + margaritas in a 24 period. my kind of therapy!!!
Oh Jen- everything you touch on is so so spot on. Motherhood is such a complex dichotomy of emotions and ideas - it is so hard to wrap our arms around it all at any one given moment. I always remind myself that it’s stages and phases and as painful as one can be, there’s always an end in sight (and then a new challenge but alas!). The very fact that you wrote all of this means you’re an EXCELLENT parent. 🤍
I don’t think there’s anything harder than when your sleep gets fucked with unexpectedly, i.e when your toddler suddenly decides they don’t want to do it anymore. And this is coming from someone who hasn’t slept through the night in two months. THAT, I’ve expected. But the burnout you’re describing is something I’ve especially felt when my two year old suddenly doesn’t nap for a straight week (a recent nightmare) or has a nighttime regression after we had just gotten comfortable again. SHIT’S HARD. And while these hard times do pass, it doesn’t always help to know it’s temporary because it certainly doesn’t feel that way in the moment. I’m so sorry you’re going through it right now. Three weeks is especially tough, like — next level tough. You certainly deserved that cinnamon roll!!! Anyways, I hope you’re at the tail-end of the suck. If you ever want to commiserate about it with a friend on the internet, I’m here for you (and also likely awake at 3am.)
Oh, and I love that Apiece Apart shirt. Gooooood find.
I'm so sorry you're going through this AND thank you for being so real. I think more moms need to do this so we never feel like we're the only ones struggling!
Honestly, my daughter didnt sleep through the night until she turned 4 (!!!) and then she came back to my bed in COVID and I haven't been able to kick her out since. She's 9!!! So I've known burnout.
What has helped me lots was these book:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/42397849-burnouthttps://www.goodreads.com/book/show/42397849-burnout
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/nov/25/the-seven-types-of-rest-i-spent-a-week-trying-them-all-could-they-help-end-my-exhaustion <-- this is more religioius
Just scrolled down to recommend these two exact things!
These helped me so much in some v difficult times!!
Man, do moms do it all or what. Just wanted to say I’m sorry it’s been so hard lately, and I hope there is relief soon. Lack of alone time + lack of sleep is a very very very tricky combo to try to overcome. Thanks for writing this and shedding light on an aspect of motherhood that’s often hidden!
Feel this to my very core with a 1 year old. Sometimes I feel like I'll never recover from the burnout
Ohhh man I relate to this so much! Nothing has brought on my rage more than unexpected disrupted sleep. And feeling behind on the house tidying also makes me bonkers.
About the household equity, it might be worth looking into Fair Play. I read it recently (it’s a quick read) and while I didn’t love whole men-are-so-clueless-and-we-are-such-martyrs aspect of a lot of the stories, there were some interesting stats and good ideas.
Yay!!!!! Thank you again for sharing, friend! The internet (and I) are lucky to have you as our Mom Friend! Xoxo
Solidarity on the parental burnout – I'm right there with you in sleep regression land! It feels refreshing to actually see these shared struggles articulated so honestly; I, too, carry a lot of shame around the frustration that I feel with my daughter's sleep at times. But at the same time...we're human! We deserve a little breathing room here and there, whenever we're able to find it. Right? Right 🤍
Oof, your writing on burnout hit hard. My daughter is 4.5 (almost 5, actually!) and didn't sleep through the night until she was 14 months old. She still comes into our bed, but at least we all sleep that way.
In my experience, what has helped me with the emotional side of burnout are activities that really allow me to *connect* with myself or others in a spiritual way and get me off my phone.
For me, that means writing in my journal, getting lost in a great novel, painting, biking around Prospect Park, seeing a live show, taking a solo beach trip (soon!), and going out dancing. I actually just started going out dancing again this year - the late nights can be physically tiring (I try to do 1x / month, and my husband knows it's important to me, and I'll usually nap the next day), but I always feel so mentally renewed afterward. Maybe not for everyone, but it really makes me remember that "I'm a person, in a body, feeling joy."
I love this! Personally I’m deep into my “burnout era,” as I call it, and I’ve been reading and exploring resources for coping with it. One thing the books and articles don’t often have is an actual solution, or path forward, that is doable on an individual level. I think this is because our burnout is caused by systems, policies, and social structures, and individual solutions can’t fix that. I think what you did was exactly right - find some time to yourself, lose the structure, take a breather and go wherever your whims take you.
I’ve recently started my own Substack and will definitely be writing about burnout in all its forms! This gives me some food for thought. Love following you, thanks!
This hit home. Parental burnout is no joke and not discussed enough. We are allowed to be tired, we are allowed to to need a break, and we are allowed to to feel so so so overstimulated from the “split personality.”
I am a tough cookie. Always have been. But I’m raising deeply sensitive kiddos — having to shape shift in my dealings with them is TOUGH and can be exhausting. I know it’s what they need and I’m 100% all in— but dang, I’m tired.
Loved this quote: “Developing a sort of split personality in which on the one hand, you’re you of yore - rough around the edges, strong, independent, perhaps a little angry - and on the other, you’re mom you - soft, supple, warm, caring”
Thanks for sharing this! Xo