the weekly: pangs of envy

Hi from the other side of our sleep regression, where things are starting to feel much better and I’m beginning to catch up on sleep and feel like a real human again (ish). Those phases are no joke, and anyone that says everything about parenthood is beautiful is lying.

I love my kid more than anything, but it’s in the depths of those challenging weeks that I start to think to myself: “what the hell did I do?”

Anyone else?

A piece

Haley Nahman

wrote a while back always comes to mind in moments like those, as well as on beautiful spring days like we had earlier this week. Her words are better than mine, so I recommend you read it here, but in it she explores some of the envy she feels watching (seemingly) childless people in her neighborhood, and the very specific feelings and memories it brings up for her - a time pre kid, joyous and carefree, far less to worry about and even more freedom than one can remember. And as she notes, this is never a feeling of regret. Because we can be both extremely happy with our own circumstances and choices while also remembering with pleasure what it was like before children. And I think it’s ok to have that little pang of jealousy - it helps us remember that we, too, are humans with needs outside of our children. That we know what freedom and independence is and still want to retain it. That we have a need to satisfy those desires, too, because I do think that envy in any form is a mirror, and it shows, perhaps, the areas that need attention or working towards.

For me, these pangs of jealousy often pop up in two very specific situations: airport bars and parks. And although they seem lightyears away from one another, the reasons they spark envy are similar. Airport bars? The freedom of travel, escaping. Having an unreasonably large pour of shitty wine alone, maybe with a book, maybe getting work done, spending time with nowhere else to be, except to fill time waiting for the next thing to happen. Parks? The freedom of nature, space. Having an unreasonably large pour of decent wine, likely with a book, probably avoiding work, spending time with other places to be but choosing instead to enjoy the sunshine on your face and breeze in your hair.

Anyways. Being out and about on Monday, a beautiful spring day, was great. I loved eating ice cream and chasing my daughter around the park. But I would be lying if I said it was without envy. Envy of those relaxing, drinking, talking, laughing, reading, laying, sunning, napping, snacking without keeping a watchful eye on an energetic toddler refusing to wear shoes. Seemingly without a worry in the world, which I would say I miss, except that I know that’s not true - everyone has a worry, even if they aren’t showing it. They just are able to, it seems, set it aside for a quick moment. Getting day buzzed and sun burnt - things that feel like I was able to enjoy a lifetime ago and that are now, at best, fleeting.

So, for me, it seems as if my envy is telling me something. That I need the sun on my face and a drink in my hand and a few minutes to myself doing nothing but laying in grass on a beautiful day. And that, frankly, I can have it. All I need to do is ask. To prioritize myself, my needs. To speak up when I’m craving something so simple, so attainable, so soul reviving. Something I’m working on, to be sure. But something I am learning to trust my intuition on, while practicing using my voice and asking for what I need.

Moving on!!

Below the paywall you’ll find:

• A few things I’m loving, including a must hit NYC spot

• Neon shoes I’m obsessing over

• My Cowboy Carter fit

• Some favorite reads from around the internet

• A food related ask

Today is the last day of the annual subscription promo, so if you’ve been on the fence, it’s a good time to make it happen. As always, if a paid sub at any price isn’t in the cards for you, shoot me a dm, I got you.